This blog is an ongoing love letter to our children, their birthmothers, their grandparents on both sides of the continent, and our extended family and friends.
What we used to get before Landon came into our lives. Losing them was totally worth having him in return. We look forward to losing more ZZZs as we add to our family through adoption or foster care, hopefully soon!
This is not an option for couples hoping to adopt. Yes, time goes by (see T is for Timing), but we’re never just sitting around waiting.
Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf gave a talk called "Continue in Patience" in the April 2010 General Conference in which he spoke at length about what it means to wait patiently on the Lord's timing:
The Lord’s Way and Time
The children of Israel waited 40 years in the wilderness before they could enter the promised land. Jacob waited 7 long years for Rachel. The Jews waited 70 years in Babylon before they could return to rebuild the temple. The Nephites waited for a sign of Christ’s birth, even knowing that if the sign did not come, they would perish. Joseph Smith’s trials in Liberty Jail caused even the prophet of God to wonder, “How long?”
In each case, Heavenly Father had a purpose in requiring that His children wait.
Every one of us is called to wait in our own way. We wait for answers to prayers. We wait for things which at the time may appear so right and so good to us that we can’t possibly imagine why Heavenly Father would delay the answer.
I remember when I was preparing to be trained as a fighter pilot. We spent a great deal of our preliminary military training in physical exercise. I’m still not exactly sure why endless running was considered such an essential preparatory part of becoming a pilot. Nevertheless, we ran and we ran and we ran some more.
As I was running I began to notice something that, frankly, troubled me. Time and again I was being passed by men who smoked, drank, and did all manner of things that were contrary to the gospel and, in particular, to the Word of Wisdom.
I remember thinking, “Wait a minute! Aren’t I supposed to be able to run and not be weary?” But I was weary, and I was overtaken by people who were definitely not following the Word of Wisdom. I confess, it troubled me at the time. I asked myself, was the promise true or was it not?
The answer didn’t come immediately. But eventually I learned that God’s promises are not always fulfilled as quickly as or in the way we might hope; they come according to His timing and in His ways. Years later I could see clear evidence of the temporal blessings that come to those who obey the Word of Wisdom—in addition to the spiritual blessings that come immediately from obedience to any of God’s laws. Looking back, I know for sure that the promises of the Lord, if perhaps not always swift, are always certain.
We recognize that the Lord has a purpose in requiring us to wait, and as we are called on to wait in this way, we hope for the promises He has in store for us and those spirits still waiting to come into this life to be fulfilled in His time and in His way.
Families built through adoption are as valid as those built by other means. Yes, these family members may not share genetic material, but neither do married couples. The following quotation conveys this elegant truth:
“I wish couples who desperately take every means to conceive a child would realize that adoption is a wonderful alternative. A child who becomes your child through adoption completes a family. Just as when you commit to your spouse or partner there are no biological ties, yet a family was formed. This child enters a family the same way! It is not blood and flesh that form a family, but the heart.” ~ Michele Johnson
Every day, people make choices about who they include, who they love, and who they accept into their lives. The criteria for whether a family is valid are things like commitment and love. These can exist whether or not you are related by blood.
These ideas are especially important when considering the feelings of a child who has been adopted. Children who have been adopted may experience a wide range of emotions as they mature and come to an understanding of the role adoption has played in their lives. Validating those feelings is important, especially when those feelings present a challenge to the family. It helps when loved ones consistently reassure the child that he or she really belongs to his or her family.
It is not always easy to know what to say when you are learning about a new subject. At times we have all stuck our foot in our mouths. As we began the adoption process, we learned a whole new set of terms to talk about adoption. Here are some helpful resources for those seeking to use terminology that conveys a positive message about adoption:
Classic Articles from the Adoptive Families website.
“Positive Adoption Language” from Adoptive Families.
Excerpt: “The way we talk—and the words we choose—say a lot about what we think and value. When we use positive adoption language, we say that adoption is a way to build a family just as birth is. Both are important, but one is not more important than the other.”
"Positive Adoption Language" from the LDS Family Services website.
Excerpt: “The words we use while talking about adoption can send unintended messages. When writing about or discussing adoption, please consider using language from the right-hand column.”
One of the best ways to learn appropriate adoption terminology is to ask a parent of a child who was adopted.
We heard a tragic news story the other day, where a teenager and two of her friends attacked the girl's parents in the middle of the night in the parents’ bedroom. The father fought off the attackers, saving his wife's life, but losing his own in the process. The reporter on the story noted that the girl was the parents' adopted daughter.
So, here comes the question: Why is it relevant that the girl was adopted?
Stereotypes about adoption permeate our society, from tales of wicked stepmothers to urban legends based on tragedies like the one described above. When people seek to understand their feelings about adoption, it is vital that they examine the stereotypes they hold about the adopted child and adoptive families.
When does your child become your real child? Is he your real child because of the act that led to his conception, because he carries a portion of your genetic sequence? Is he real because he was carried in your or your spouse's womb? Is he your real child because you treaded that fine line between life and death that women do when giving birth? All of those events matter. A lot. If in your heart they make the difference between a child being your real child or not, then adoption may not be for you, and that's OK.
On the other hand, if you are in a position where you must face the harsh reality that you and your spouse will not conceive a child together, the above notions of a child being your real child cease to be criteria for defining whether your child is really yours. Instead, with adoption, other life events forge the sense of what is real about the relationship between members of the adoption triad (birth parents, child, and adoptive parents). Birth parents face a fundamentally life-altering choice when deciding to place. Adoptive parents make the deliberate choice to become parents to that child as opposed to treading another life path without children. A child who is adopted lives with those adults' choices for his or her entire life.
Several significant life events provide a foundational context for adoptive families. The agency interviews, home inspections, background checks, setting up the nursery, placement at the hospital, 2 AM feedings, check up visits from the agency, baby firsts, finalization in the family court, and temple sealing become defining events that forge and reinforce the bond that makes a family built by adoption a real family, that makes children brought into a family through adoption their parents' real children.
Some mothers describe the fierce mother love that floods them as they meet their child for the first time after they have given birth. They know that the child is theirs. I relate to that feeling. I look in my son's eyes, and I know the same thing. He is mine, and I am his. I defy anyone to tell me otherwise.
Patient - steadfast despite opposition, difficulty, or adversity.
Persistent - to continue steadfastly or firmly in some state, purpose,course of action
When you’re looking to add a child to your home through adoption, these two words say it all. You just keep plugging away each day, holding on to the idea that there is a child or children out there who need you to be Mom and Dad. We have been approved to adopt for 18 months now and started the foster care process this past June. We see all kinds of adoption miracles around us. We are so happy for our friends and acquaintances. We pray for adoption opportunities with patience and persistence everyday. Each day as Landon talks about having a sister it melts your heart to see him grown and change and to have what all of his friends at church have. We know it will happen when we least expect it.
When we got married, we expected that children would bless our home as part of the natural order of things. This did not happen, so we were afforded an opportunity to make some of our own decisions about whether and how we would bring children into our home. We see adoption as an opportunity to partner with the Lord in helping others make course corrections in their own lives even as we bring children into our home. The birthparents who choose to place make a decision that gives them the opportunity to reset their lives while having the assurance that the human being that came about as the result of their choices receives the opportunity to be raised in a loving home. The opportunity to build a family through adoption clearly is not for everyone, but it has afforded us the chance to raise Landon and (hopefully soon) his siblings.
Unfortunately, adoption is not the cheapest way to have a baby, especially compared to the conventional method. J However, several resources are available for those seeking to raise funds
OK, this one is obvious. LDS Family Services’ tag line is “Adoption. It’s about love!”
Tender selfless Love brings a birth mother the ability to place her child into another's arms.
Hearts changed by Love give parents who adopt and their extended families the ability to have that child placed in their arms.
A family's consistent, nurturing Love allows a child who is adopted to know everything will be alright.
The Love of God through the Atonement of Jesus Christ heals wounded hearts, provides assurance, and nurtures sacred bonds across generations.
When the needs of a child outweigh the needs of the grown ups, true Love emerges to wrap that child in its protective embrace.
How do you approach a couple who is facing infertility or a child who is adopted? With kindness, of course! This would seem like common sense, but we have found that well-meaning people have made some pretty insensitive remarks to or about us or Landon and to our friends who have adopted and to their children. Adoption is a sensitive issue, and many adoptive couples and children grieve about a life they might have had if everything were "normal." It isn't, and we're never going to fix that. We live with that reality every day.
The kind acts of our friends and family who wholeheartedly embrace our decisions regarding adoption and (most importantly) show our little boy how much they love, respect, and accept him as OUR son--as THEIR kin--do more good than any words could say. Families who adopt and children who are adopted need to know that they belong as full members of their extended families and friendship networks, and you can give them that reassurance by kindly treating them as your own. We are so grateful for our family and friends for their kindness to us, our son, and anyone who belongs to the adoption triad.
When we met Landon for the first time, we were overwhelmed with joy. When we were sealed to him in the Salt Lake Temple, our joy expanded many times over! Just as we took joy in our past life as a couple, we take present joy in our family as it is presently constituted with our precious little boy, and we look forward to future joys we will have with whatever children we will have in the coming months and years. Joy is rejoicing with the other couples who are still looking to grow their families through adoption. We feel joy as we watch their sorrow turn to joy as they are matched with that special someone.
There are many resources available for families wishing to grow through adoption. You may find your child through a private adoption, an agency adoption, a group on the Internet, Craigs List, or Networking. No matter how you find your child remember to think outside of the box and when you are least expecting it that is where that child will be.
